Recently I chanced upon one of the "Coffee with Anu" series on Youtube and one of the guests on the show was Prakash Raj. In many forums he has expressed how his mother braved against many tribulations in life when his father had abandoned them. He said one of his biggest motivational figures was his mother. And in this programme he said something like: "I like her (mother) a lot, I admire all her qualities - her strength, her courage, her loving nature. Maybe in my next birth, I would like to have her as my wife".
I can sense that many of you who saw that or read the statement above would've gasped in shock but I was in complete awe of his statement. Infact it goes on to show how - when we talk of certain relationships - we often lose focus of all the goodness which the relationship holds and dwell on aspects which would possibly cause a frown.
Its considered healthy to compares one's relation with another in the likes of a brother, sister, mother, father, uncle, aunt or a friend. Imagine this : "He is like my father figure", "She is another mom to me", "I don't have a sister, but I found a sister in you". But there is only one relationship we can't attribute it to someone else - spouse. Why? Its only because when someone says that someone else is like his wife or her husband, the first thing that comes to everyone's mind is... obvious, you know where I am getting at!
Is it that we push all the real, worthy attributes of a spouse to the rear and just focus on that one aspect when someone mentions as her/his spouse?
We all talk about beauty being just skin deep, the physical attraction not mattering at all, that the love between a couple trascends all wordly things and a husband-wife relationship is steafast and life long and yet... if someone were to equate a true, loving, caring relationship to a spouse, we just cannot think it to be "pure". Why?
A spouse is an amalgamation of all relationships one can think of - a dad/mom, a bro/sis, a lover, a friend and yet its always inappropriate to draw comparison to this relationship if he/she is not one. Maybe we *are* hypocrites, its not the love, care, understanding, counting on each other, sacrificing for each other, sharing - not just happiness but troubles as well, the little fights, the little frowns, the many tears that come to the fore front as we talk about husband and wife but only the physical bonding which strikes an instant chord?
30 comments:
Wow..what a post..
\\Maybe we *are* hypocrites, its not the love, care, understanding, counting on each other, sacrificing for each other, sharing - not just happiness but troubles as well, the little fights, the little frowns, the many tears that come to the fore front as we talk about husband and wife but only the physical bonding which strikes an instant chord?
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while we associated "physical exclusivity" with the spouse ,we have started to assume that attributes like pure love and many more that you mentioned above are also exclusive to/with the spouse, but it needn be the reality always.
Saravan,
Thanks... btw, I am still waiting for your new post.
Vedha,
உங்க பதிவுகள் போலவே நீங்கள் போடும் comments-சும் அருமை. அதுவும் தமிழ்-ல ரொம்ப அழகா சொல்லிருக்கீங்க. Yes, "சொல்லாததும் உண்மை" அவ்வப்போது படிப்பதுண்டு. அதை பற்றியும் நீங்க நச்சுனு சொல்லிருக்கீங்க. "உண்மை முகத்தில் அறையும்" - ரொம்ப ரொம்ப சரி. Maybe பல விஷயங்களை நாம் ஒரு கோணத்திலேயே பார்த்து பழகி அல்லது பழக வைக்கப்பட்டு வேறு ஒரு கோணத்தில் பார்க்க மறுக்கிறோம்.
Saravan, Vedha - Thanks guys for acknowledging my views. First I thought people would straight away reject my point of view but am a bit satisfied seeing your responses! Thanks again!
Ravi, oru help..tamizhla post panra vithaiya konjam solli thaangalen..
Miga Arumaiyana Post Ravi! Naanum Prakashraj ezhudiya thodar paruthu irukiraen anaal padithadhu illai, ippo padikka vendum endru thondrugiradhu. Nandri! Nice post!!!
i beg to differ...the frowns caused in this case aren't because of the comparison, they are there cause the maternal love is incomparable to that by a spouse however pure and devoted that might be.
even though we do say stuff like "she's like a mother to me" i do't think any of us would give away that coveted position to anyone else.
a spouse is more of an equal unlike a mother who transcends barriers of protector and educator, those qualities can never be found in a spouse.
Hi Navneet,
Thanks for coming by. I think you got my point wrong. It was not about drawing comparison between a wife and a mother but likening the relationship of a wife to anyone else. My point is that it is considered indecent to compare someone as one's wife before its certain things which precedes one's thoughts rather than the love, care and understanding.
Ravi...
how are u ? Sorry for coming late..net connect aagama padithidichi :(
Prakash Raj sonnadhula oru thappum illa ! Ipdee kooda irukalaam illaiyaa ? indha life la enga amma lost out on an affectionate spouse..so I want to take care of her in my next...that's a good way of thinking.
Then to the next kosten ! Why is that ppl feel its bad to compare someone else with a spouse or identify to a spouse as we do with a mother, father and other relations ?
I think it makes sense. There can be only one spouse. That love (no nothing physical abt it) is very differnt and special. It will not be apt to say 'oh he/she is like a spouse to me' . No person is going to care or sacrifice like a spouse would. No other person is going to live with one during thick and thin. One partner's life is another's too and a life-long commitment.
As u said there may be many angles to a spouse's love...but its an unique one and can be found only in one person.
Utmost u can say 'oh she is like my wife in serving food with love and care' or 'not bad u are helping me with the luggage like my husband does with so much consideration '.
U cant say 'oh she has the love of my wife while serving food' (no she does'nt) or 'ur consideration is like my husband's) (nope..its not) !
I am not saying it is wrong..all I am saying is ,its is not true.
Sree, varuga varuga! Engada aaLai kanome-nu nenachen.
I wasn't opposing Prakash Raj's views but only agreeing with him.
And regarding your view on one's spouse - appadi paartha ella relationship-me unique dhaan. No one can equal your dad or your mom. Even one friend cannot match another but when we draw comparisons there - the goodness comes to the forefront but in case of a spouse, its only the physical relationships which takes the limelight. Adhaan unmai. Frankly, how many of the women folk take it in the right spirit when someone says that he would like have a wife like them?
Hi Ravi...
Adhaan pudhu polivoda vandhutomla :P (onnum periya polivu illa...wireless reliance thookittu broad band pottuten :P )
I wasn't opposing Prakash Raj's views but only agreeing with him.//
yeah..got it..I was supporting ur view :)
And regarding your view on one's spouse - appadi paartha ella relationship-me unique dhaan. No one can equal your dad or your mom. Even one friend cannot match another //
that's not true..my grandmother used to be a mom to me..and same with my grandpa..he was more of a parent and a friend rolled into one.
the goodness comes to the forefront but in case of a spouse, its only the physical relationships which takes the limelight. //
hmm..even if the physical aspect does'nt come to one's mind....even the emotional aspect for one thing cannot be accepted. Yaarkitaayavadhu poyee "oh she is like a wife to me" nnu sonna..."appo unga mela avalo loveaa" nnu dhaan thonum...it is unique..I am not saying it is not possible to have 2 women loving a man equally...adhu peru dhaaney 'bigamy' :P
What I am trying to say is , there are certain relationships that can be found only in one person and that is incomparable.
how many of the women folk take it in the right spirit when someone says that he would like have a wife like them? //
enga..neenga sollaradha paartha , propose pannaravangala ellam nalla saathanum :)) I think its a compliment and have heard so many brothers-in-law tell their 'Anni' ..'ungala maari ponnu paarunga anni' ! (idhaye life fulla solli solli andha brother in law Anni kaiyala biriyani seidhu saapituduvaaru ;-) )
Hi Ravi,
A Spouse relationship cannot be compared with others, b'coz it is just one to one and not many to many or rather one to many also. When u compare this any other relationship, say a father/mother may have more than 1 kid and similarly a friend can have more than one. But a Spouse?? ONLY ONE.
That's why it is a special relationship, which while comparing it may give you a wierd feeling also. Only to a spouse you are so special and everything in you can be shared, because of the same age group, and moreover the feeling of the security, where you feel he/she is all yours. So this is a relationship which is beyond comparison and that is why it is not entertained tooo...Howsss it?
Hope you acknowledge my views and change urs ;-) hahahahaha
Hello Ravi..
enna orey aani pudungingaa ?
enna aaneenga ?
sari mukkiyamana vishayam sollittu pogalamnu vandhen.
Ungala oru mukkiyamana aalu tag panni irukaanga :) yarunnu therinju irukumey :)
oru murai enga blog pakkam vaaanga :)
Hi Anonymous,
(Are you Soumya by any chance?) Well agreed that the relationship of a spouse is unique but is that the only reason why we don't draw comparisons and what about people who have many spouses or widows/divorcees who re-marry? Again, the point I am trying to make is that its not the reason that a spouse relationship is unique which prevents anyone from making comparisons but only that other things come to the fore front of our minds when one likens somebody to his/her spouse!
Sree,
Ippadi vambula maati vittuteengalae... Anyway, I won't assure you that I will take the tag. Paarkalaam ("Indha build-up-kku onnum korachal illa"-nu neenga solrathu enakku kaekkudhu)!!
Ravi...idhu nyayama? Idhu enna avalo kashtamaana tagaa?
chumma 8 facts dhaaney , podunga..
Hi Ravi,
Sorry, I'm not Sowmya. Coming to your point again, I differ with it. It is the angle with which you take it. For Ex., if I feel that my friend is exactly like my father figure, which quality of your father will come into your mind first? Say the care, or advice, or the secured feeling which your father gives may be present in your friend. So any one of the qualities, or may be many will be the reason. But when it comes your spouse, which quality do you see in him/her will play the role here. So, not necessary that everyone has to think in the same way. You would have heard girls generally say that their husband is a replica of her father..and father is a replica of my husband, in the sense, both have the same kind of thoughts or way of approaching etc. So YOU just think it in that angle. Enna OKAYAAA???
Many researches have found that Guys, when they look for the love of their lives, subconciously search of a woman who has the qualities of his own mother. So I completely agree with you on that front. The same is applicable for women too.
Hi Anon,
So... in a way you are agreeing with my point right? Thanks for your comments though!
hello chillpilgrim,
Welcome here! Well what you say is true but generally when the reverse is said (like someone is like my wife), it is not accepted in the right spirit! Thanks for your comment.
ravi,
I think each relationship type has a very clearly defining trait.
>>Imagine this : "He is like my father figure", "She is another mom to me",
i think its good that people do not use that spouse relationship loosely.
Frankly i dont like it when people say 'He is like father, she is like mother, etc'
its like belittling the exclusivity and specialness of a father or mother relationship.
i learnt this the hard way. some time back i referred one of my friend as 'like my brother'.
we are hardly in talking terms now, while the rest of the folks, who i considered as 'mere friends' are still friends with me :)
A father is a father, a mom is a mom. i think its better we dont bring this 'like' factor.
adhuku dhaan 'miscellaneous' madhiri oru matter vechirukoom la??
FRIENDHSIP!!
adhai sonnale podhum :)
Ravi, take a look at this post seems interesting. About Jupiter in a different perspective
Hello ravi,
Am here after a very long time. :)
Very interesting post... I did miss prakash raj's interview.
But thanks to him he has raised this... And made u post a lovely post on relationship & our thoughts.
//Its considered healthy to compares one's relation with another in the likes of a brother, sister, mother, father, uncle, aunt or a friend. Imagine this : "He is like my father figure", "She is another mom to me", "I don't have a sister, but I found a sister in you". But there is only one relationship we can't attribute it to someone else - spouse. Why? Its only because when someone says that someone else is like his wife or her husband, the first thing that comes to everyone's mind is... obvious, you know where I am getting at!//
Well said!
And many of the questions you have raised here are in my THINK factory- and it is still there.... :)
These are the things that needs more thinking...
Nice post from you ravi! :)
Hello Ravi...enna aaneenga?
sari tag pathi keka maaten :)
PK, neenga solradhu oru vidhathil correct. But my point is that generally the niceties come to the mind during such comparison but the same does not apply for a spouse.
Prabhu,
Padichen. Soooper. Just another writeup to prove that our ancestors were very very intelligent and probably pioneers in most discoveries. Just that its not publicised as much.
Marutham,
Welcome back. Unga posts-a paarthittu dhaan irukken. Neenga dhaan indha pakkam kaanom. Thanks for the comments.
Sree,
Romba danks. Enakku irukkura konjam blog friends-um enna marakkama vandhu paarkureenglae... romba pullarikka vechuteenga.
Matter enna na office-lerndhu I can see blogs put can't comment on blogspot. No issue with wordpress though. So unga neice pathina post, enga (AangaL) mela thupaadha koraiyaa oru post elaathayum padichen. Will post one myself soon. Thanks again Sree for visiting.
oh..ippodhaan indha comment paarkaren, Ravi.
PK blog la , Ankur blog la ellam unga comments paathuttu..ennadhaan nadakaradhunnu paakalamnu inga vandhen (oru kovathodadhaan)....
ok ok..take ur time and take care :)
Ravi,
I am regularly reading Prakash Raj's article in Vikatan. He seems to be a creative person and good thinker. Every boy would have adored his mom a lot, at the same time every girl would have adored their Dad a lot. I know many girls who wanted their husbands to be like their Dad. For a Man the closest person of opposite sex from childhood is Mom. Then comes sisters or cousins or friends. There is a kind of bond which develops right from the time we are fed by her.
Either PR must have felt that his Mom being so great, have not had enough comforts from his Dad or he must have felt that his wife is not as good as his Mom. But looking at his life, the second may not be true. So, probablities of the first comes closer.
When it comes as next birth, we lose all the relationships of the previous birth, and the two are going to be totally different. So there is nothing in what he has expressed.
Many things are changing nowadays. Spouse relationship is definitely something different to other relationships. It matures more as the days roll on. I had a relative who were more than 80 and loved each other until their last breath. That was a great relationship. Also, if you had noticed most of the men do not survive long, after their wive's death (I am talking about aged ones). They cannot withstand the loss and by nature they meet their end. I have seen this happening with many of those elders around me.
Hi Ravi,
First time here! you have nice blog here. An interesting post.
First, let me thank you for pointing me to the coffee with Anu - PrakashRaj episode. I always admired PrakashRaj for his performance and as a producer. I really enjoyed this interview by Anu, where I could get more insight about him.
I admired the way PrakashRaj admires his mother. I read most of the comments here! its all fine seeing people coming with their views, but I feel something missed out here from what PrakashRaj talked. He told that by viewing all as individual separate entity of conscious being. Its we who make the meaning to a relationship arising due to the time of our arrival (birth - as consequence, elder or younger) and through whom we come (they become parents or relatives as a consequence). If you eliminate these two factors and perceive her just as a woman he has seen intimately, its absolutely understandable why he loves to have her as his wife.
We derive meaning and happiness in various kinds of relationships with its unique beauty and with its own limits. Imagine a situation I describe here, PrakashRaj has admired his mother so much, now place that same woman(personality) as his sister or daughter or friend. He would have still enjoyed all those relationships but with its uniqueness and LIMITATIONS. But it is only in the spouse relationship, the SPECTRUM is so BROAD that you can connect with such a wonderful woman in multiple dimensions. I believe this is what he meant (physical aspect hardly plays a role here!).
Balaji Sir,
Hello! Yes, I do agree all your points. Infact my point was the same - I wasn't opposing Prakash Raj instead supporting him.
Thiru,
Welcome here and thanks for your comments. Point taken about wife's spectrum is broad but my poser is why then, such a beautiful relationship is never attributed for the goodness it has to over and that is precisely why almost none relate a relationship to a wife!
Hello Ravi,
I just completed reading "where have they gone"..Really nice post. Infact oru varsham munnadiye solirukeenga..I'm glad that we have similar interests..Keep writing..
Nice post. I really can't stand "she is like my sister" etc. just "she is a good friend" is good enough for me
Hi Jillu Madrasi,
Welcome here! Yes, I hate that phrase too when its used just to prove the prudency in a relationship. Friendship is equally pure too. Thanks for your comment.
very well said and put!! i beleieve we should rather see a relationship beyond the physical and material emotion and expression. there's much more 2 a realationship than just the physical intimacy, we shud respect each emotion and expression of truthfulness and sacrifice
Hi Anon,
Welcome here and Thanks for the comment.
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